Speaking of Trauma

Trauma. 

There seems to be a lot of hype around this word these days, but what is it exactly?

With a quick search on the internet, you can find article after article basically describing trauma as the aftereffect of going through an extremely stressful, painful, terrifying, or distressing situation. 

Things that can lead to trauma in someone's life could be physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual abuse, natural disasters, assaults, terrorist attacks, freak accidents, or even witnessing a lot of these things. 

Our bodies and minds were not created to endure these kinds of atrocities, and because of that, our brains are affected negatively when we experience these things.  

Trauma actually alters our brain, which in effect, alters the way we think, how we make decisions, and how we see and experience the world around us — and these changes are not typically positive.

If we've lived on this earth for any amount of time, the odds of us having experienced some type of trauma is pretty high! There are, of course, differing degrees, severities, and frequencies of trauma that vary for every person, but the truth is, trauma is becoming a normal part of the human experience. I guess you could say that's one of the downsides of living in a fallen world!

Trauma is like the mental equivalent of a really bad physical injury. And just like with a physical injury, it takes time and attention to properly care for and treat mental injuries, which is basically what trauma is — a mental injury. The differences between physical and mental injuries are obvious, but unlike with a physical injury, a mental injury is something we can't see, which makes it rather difficult to care for or even recognize our need for healing from it. 

So, how can you tend to a wound you can't see? And how do you know if you have trauma lingering in your mind that needs a healing touch from those who are equipped and qualified in helping treat it? 

I'll go into more detail in answering these questions in the next post in this series, but first, I'd love to share a little about my own experience with trauma, and how the Lord met me in the midst of it to bring about the healing that I didn't even know I needed.

As I stated in the previous post, I grew up in a very broken family and experienced a lot of things as a child that were very painful, very difficult, and very sad.

Without going into too much detail, if you were to look up the signs of "childhood trauma", the things I went through would easily show up on any list that would pop up for you.

Divorce. Abuse of every kind. Neglect. Domestic Violence. Drug addictions. Family member incarcerations. Abandonment. Mental Illnesses.

Writing these words to describe my childhood brings tears to my eyes. And not because I feel sorry for myself.

The thing about childhood trauma is that when trauma, abuse, and dysfunction are all you've ever known, they become your "normal" early on. You don't even realize that the things you're going through aren't supposed to be happening. You just learn to cope, because honestly, what other choice do you have?

Describing my childhood doesn't bring tears to my eyes because of what I went through, even though it was difficult. It brings me to tears because of where God has brought me, and the kindness that He met me with in spite of the fact that the people who were tasked with caring for me as a child oftentimes failed to do so because of their own brokenness.

It wasn't long before I began to notice that something wasn't quite right about my family. There was a season as a young child when my family and I attended church every time the doors were open, and praise God, I ended up giving my heart to Christ when I was 7 years old. I loved going to church, but I couldn't help but leave feeling sad after seeing all of the happy, smiling, and kind families every week, knowing that I was going home to an environment that was nothing like that.

My home was filled with contention, stress, anger, and pain. As an adult, I understand a lot more of the “whys” behind the chaos that my home life was inundated with growing up, and I've even extended forgiveness and grace towards everyone involved, but it doesn’t erase the effect that these things had on my brain as a child, and consequently, as an adult.

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When you're exposed to trauma and dysfunction for extended periods of time, it shapes the way you think. Instead of being able to operate as the unique, creative human being that God made you to be, and being able to focus on living, growing, and thriving, you're forced into survival mode — whether you want to be or not.

And the thing about trauma is that even after the abuse stops and the traumatic events are a distant memory, the impact these things have on our brains is carried with us until they're healed.

This was certainly the case for me, and I wish I could say that I figured this out soon after launching from my broken nest, but unfortunately, I spent the past 20 years running from the pain of my trauma without ever recognizing all of the issues it was causing for me in my adult life.

To paint a picture of what was happening to me, I want to share a story about one of our beloved dogs that passed away about 7 years ago.

Pennie was an Italian Greyhound and we her bought at one of those puppy stores you'd find in most malls in the late 90's/early 2000's. We could tell early on that she had been through some trauma herself because she was super skittish and it took weeks for her to let us pick her up. We couldn't even let her outside without a leash on because she'd dart at the first sign of danger (which to a traumatized puppy, everything seemed dangerous). It was quite a sight watching my husband chase her down the road every time she got spooked and took off running. Did I mention that she was an Italian Greyhound?

In any case, Pennie had a retractable leash, and there were a couple of occasions where we (and by "we", I clearly mean "I") accidentally lost our grip of the leash while we were walking her, sending the handle barreling towards her bottom as the strap retracted back into the handle. 

Imagine, if you will, how a traumatized Italian Greyhound might react to a leash handle hitting her at full speed on the rear while she's out in the scary world. If you're struggling to imagine this scene, she basically took off running with the leash dragging behind her. Every few seconds, the handle would pop up off the ground and hit her on the butt, which would then make her run even faster. 

No matter how fast this poor dog ran, she couldn't escape the other end of the leash that kept hitting her backside when she least expected it! This inescapable monster was attached to her, and it wasn't going anywhere until she stopped running and let us remove it.

This, my friends, is a picture of unhealed trauma. And a picture of exactly what happened to me (emotionally, anyway) a couple of years ago.

Every time I'd get blindsided by another painful circumstance that was unknowingly caused or amplified by my unhealed childhood trauma, I'd run away from it. Until the next painful situation showed up. And then, when I faced more dysfunction, more drama, and more discouragement in the next destination, I'd run again — blaming everyone and everything other than myself for the pain. 

I couldn't see the ‘retractable leash of trauma’, if you will, hitting me on the backside when I least expected it! And the thing is, no matter how fast or how far I ran, I couldn't outrun the effect that these mental wounds I was carrying around were having on every part of my life. 

My marriage. My relationships. My relationship with God. My ministry. 

And forget about my own self-perception.

My life was a mess. I was a mess.

Those crazy leash situations with Pennie were super stressful in the moment, but she did eventually stop running. She was so exhausted and in so much pain from the leash hitting her over and over that she had no other choice but to stop and let us help her.

The same was true for me. I was in so much pain and so relationally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted that I had no other choice but to stop.

To stop running. 

To stop trying to build anything in my life on top of the pile of rubble that I called a foundation — the pile of rubble that I had been carrying around with me since childhood.

My mind was broken and wounded and in need of major healing. And I had no clue. 

I was faithfully following Christ, trying to love Him and to love His Church. And I was missing the mark big time because of my childhood trauma and the effect it was still having on my mind.

There were certain situations that I went through that triggered the unhealed trauma I was carrying around, and instead of being able to see those situations as minor inconveniences or annoyances, I was viewing them through a trauma lens, which made them seem so much more intense, painful, and chaotic for me.

It's like, if you were to break your arm without getting a cast or any medical treatment for it and someone were to lightly bump into that arm, the pain would be magnified due to the unhealed injury. The same amount of contact that probably wouldn't even hurt for a person with a healthy, uninjured arm would be excruciating for someone whose arm is broken.

The same is true of our minds. If we live with unhealed mental injuries, we are way more susceptible to the slightest things setting us off or devastating us. And as Christians, this will inevitably start to hinder our walk with Christ. 

It certainly did for me.

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You see, the greatest commandment, according to Jesus, is to "love the Lord our God with all of our heart, all of our soul, and all of our mind.” (Matthew 22:37)

Part of loving God with our mind is bringing ourselves face to face with our own mental brokenness so that we can walk in surrender and allow God to heal us there. It’s then and only then that we’ll be able to walk in obedience and "renew our minds", "take our thoughts captive", and "think on all the things that are praiseworthy, pure, right, good, and virtuous", as we’re commanded to do in Scripture. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8) 

Having a broken mind has a tendency to interfere with these things. 

If we neglect to examine our minds and to take a good look at that part of who we are, we're not only neglecting to give God the access He needs in order to bring about the healing we need, but we're also not able to truly love Him the way we're commanded to. 

How can we love God with a mind that can't even see or think about Him accurately? 

Trauma puts a broken lens on everything we see and think, even when it comes to God. And seeing and thinking about God clearly and accurately is of the utmost importance for every believer! We can't see Him clearly or accurately until we let Him heal those broken places in our minds caused by trauma.

In order to heal from trauma, we must first recognize and acknowledge the presence of it. And once we recognize and acknowledge its presence, we must then seek the help we need, both from God and from the people He has called and equipped in the counseling and mental health field, to overcome it.

Although the season of mental chaos in my life that brought me to a screeching halt a couple of years ago was super painful, I am forever grateful to the Lord for allowing me to get to that place. It completely changed my life! I have seen what true forgiveness, true grace, and true healing really looks like. Any love and gratitude I thought I had for Christ's sacrifice and the fact that He chose me has been multiplied by a thousand! I can’t explain how humbling it is to know the extent of your own brokenness while also hearing Jesus say, "I wanted you then, I want you now, and I want you forever!”

If you've experienced trauma in your past and have never sought help in healing from it, let me encourage you to seek a godly counselor or therapist who can walk you through the healing process.

Being able to think clearly not only helps us to see and love God better, but it also helps us see and love people better, too. And isn't that our whole purpose as followers of Christ?

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Click the link below for my next post where I'll talk a little more about the signs of unhealed trauma and how to speak up and seek help for it. As with anything, we're required to do the natural before God does the supernatural, and it's our job to take the first step in our own healing process.

Speak Now: Part 3 - Speaking Up and Seeking Help